Healing & Creating Downeast

I graduated from Springfield College in Massachusetts in the late 80’s with my undergraduate degree…this was the motto back then: Spirit, Mind, Body. It’s one that resonates in all the graduates and students and professors from day 1 onward.

I’m finding as I look back over my 57 years on this earth that it’s been probably 50 years since all three of these were truly in sync in my life. I have had a few, more than a few, rough patches over the years. And I’ve had different levels of support…and I often got in my own way consciously and subconsciously. We are complicated creatures and our decisions can lead us to wonderful things, questionable things, joyful things, and horrifying things.

How do we reconcile our faults that result from trauma? How do we reconcile decisions that seem rational but are a sign of deeper problems…problems we may not clearly see but only hope these choices will bring comfort and relief? How do we reconcile the evil that has happened to us, around us, or through us with who we are trying to be?

I wear my pain in my physical appearance. I am well aware of that…I know how to eat right and lose weight, and have done so…but the slightest compliment or criticism can push me to give that practice up and let myself fail myself.

I’m heading into the third biopsy of a suspicious growth in the past 17 years. The one comment that hurts the most is from a family member who instead of saying, “are you doing ok? Is this scary? How can i help?” …says, “I wonder if it’s because of your weight?”

How do you answer that? Or do you bother? Do you ignore it like I’ve come to do? Doesn’t help to throw science and research in this mix of a conversation. I had a serious bout with breast cancer in 2007 with surgery, chemo, and radiation. I know what cancer is…and I’ve seen cancer take beloved family members and friends.

So, as I go into this weekend I wonder if I will be fine like I was in 2009’s biopsy…or will I have to gather some more resolve to face cancer again. My mortality isn’t my greatest worry, as I am shocked to even still be here (you’ll see that line of thinking and where it comes from in future posts). I worry about my son who is no longer the 12 year old trying to understand, but now is almost 29. He is my greatest joy and the one soul I cherish beyond all others. I don’t want to see him hurting or know he will have pain. What parent does?

My spirit is struggling…I had a nice chat with an old friend tonight about spiritual things. That is unusual yet nice. My mind has lots of strength yet is also working hard to stay present after a long winter. My body is different in my mind than the form others see. All 3 need support, love, understanding, and compassion. I know that is available. I have seen it rise up even more so in the last 2.5 years as I risk to open up more. But asking for anything is still hard…especially when 4 year old me is still terrified of speaking or asking or being seen.

My many accomplishments in life prove certain things to others. And I’m proud of lots of them…but my inner struggles and reactions to trauma have not always been healthy or honest to others. It was often easier to conflate something than try to understand the mish mash of a traumatic brain and body response.

That last sentence is the first time I’ve written that…PTSD and trauma are so mangled in our brains and our spirits and our bodies….any way that brings relief used to be the only way to get relief. Not conscious or intending to be deceiving… and when as a little girl you hear, “you’re a liar” before you even conceive of what that is…this 57 year old understands those few lies told in the past were me trying to make sense of the never ending chaos, me trying to receive some help I didn’t know how to find or ask for.

I am not the girl who cried wolf and the handful of lies in the past are far in the past. And I haven’t even touched on the whole world that existed back in the 1980’s that made it impossible to function, never mind in a healthy manner.

A story for another time. I’m getting better at sharing my whole story and continue to work to create it in an honest manner and space….pretty or not.

This week I am teaching new employees about vision and vision loss…I love teaching and cherish that time. I travel to southern New England later in the week for my surgery and then wait another week for the pathology report. We will know when we know.

Meanwhile, I will visit my son after and gather many big and precious hugs from he and his wife and their 2 kitties. That is what my spirit, mind, and body need now…it is honest, full of love, and joyful to my soul. Healing doesn’t happen immediately yet it builds in these moments.

All my love to my readers…and I’ll be creating again very soon!! From Maine…take good care!